The Fleshlight Lady Lager is a variant of the company’s Sex in a Can series, which is—or rather, was—a line of smaller-sized Fleshlights thinly disguised, not as flashlights, but as 24 oz. cans of beer. I say “was” because as of when I’m getting around to writing this, the whole line—including the Lady Lager featured in this article—has been discontinued now for several months.
Temp Update (7/23/19): Looks like they’ve temporarily brought it back but with a beer brand re-skin: in partnership with Pizza Slime (clothing designer/cool shit maker) and Four Loko (alt-malt beverage brewer), check out the For Loko Fleshlight Sex-in-a-Can. Same sleeve and internal design, just in Four Loko fashion. Click the image for details. Limited time.
So, as far as the original sex-in-a-can (not including the above), what you’re looking at here may perhaps be among the last, and now rare, “virgin” (at the time the photos were taken) Fleshlight Lady Lagers. I used all my luck up on this, ladies and gentlemen. Woo.
“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
The deal is that I ordered it last year sometime, life got busy, and I had some other products to cover for In Bed Magazine, so I just packed it away and forgot about it until recently. So is it even worth doing this article if they are no longer available?
Well, Fleshlight has discontinued this product line before and then brought it back. I think there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll see it again, and if that is the case—hello from the past, because that is probably why you’re here researching it right now in the future. And if not, well—I guess I had to do it for the sake of completeness, I couldn’t just not do it. So grab a real beer, sit back, and enjoy…
“Owning a Fleshlight is proof YOU love yourself and want YOU to be happy.”
-In Bed Magazine
So what’s up with the fuckable beer can?
I can’t really gauge whether disguising a sex toy as a can of beer was meant to make the Fleshlight Sex in a Can products stealthy—as in, “no pocket pussies in this house, just beer”—or to give it an even more fratty bro vibe. I don’t think it really does a whole lot to make the Lady Lager discreet. In fact, a lot of people I know, including myself, are instantly drawn to any new beer we haven’t seen before, so even if I were to spot it tucked in among other beers, I’d be instantly drawn to it out of beer lust. (Must. Try. Every. Beer.) And once you come in for a closer look, it becomes obvious that there’s nothing hoppy about it.
And then there’s the fact that a beer’s natural environment until consumed should always be in the fridge or a cooler—the colder the better, which is the exact opposite of what you want for something you’re going to stick your penis into. In any other non-refrigerated setting, such as your bedroom—where your sex toys should be kept, it’s actually kind of conspicuous and out of place. Like, if people see “beer cans” rolling out from under your bed, they may stage an intervention to talk about your “problem”. So for this reason, I’m going to say it’s all about making a sex toy seem…well, maybe a little less serious and a bit more novel or silly, and that can be a good thing.
I think that when it comes to the fear of embarrassment that most of us naturally associate with the idea of a non-significant other happening upon our sex toy(s), you’ve got three options—make damn sure it stays well-hidden, completely own it, or go for silly and shrug it off. The Sex in a Can covers that last strategy—”someone just gave it to me because it’s funny. Pffffffft…it’s not like I actually use it, bro.”
Whatever. I fucking LOVE beer, but none of this has anything to do with why I bought the Fleshlight Lady Lager. For me, it was all about…
A compact Fleshlight with the Mini Lotus texture
Of the over 14 Fleshlight products I’ve tried, if I could only keep one, it would be a difficult choice between the full-size Mini Lotus, because I find it to be the most balanced and natural-feeling texture/sensation, and the Flight Pilot, because its compact size makes it so convenient to handle and clean. The Fleshlight Lady Lager Sex in a Can ended up on my must-try list because it seemed to combine aspects of both—my favorite texture and a smaller form factor.
As much as I already favor the Mini Lotus sleeve in its full-size form, me being just slightly above textbook-average down there (<6.5″) the full-size 10-inch classic Fleshlights sometimes feel kind of overkill. I’m normally never going to experience those last three or four inches unless I pull the sleeve out of the case and get all squishy weird with it (which actually feels really nice—you should try it), so I already love the compact models, including the Flight and Go series. But if you’ve been blessed with a more substantial package, the compact Fleshlights, including the Sex in a Cans, might not be a good choice for you.
A few words about the awesomeness of the Fleshlight Mini Lotus
For some reason (because too busy using it) I haven’t done an all-out review on the Mini Lotus for In Bed Magazine yet even though it was featured as the first purchase in our cornerstone article, Fleshlight Deep-dive Review nearly five years ago. I still have that same Mini Lotus and it is still probably my favorite Fleshlight for two reasons.
First, it delivers on both familiar PIV sweetness and exciting new sensations. With steady and repetitive motion, I can close my eyes and easily lose myself in a fantasy or memory if I want to—it’s just natural and realistic-feeling enough to make masturbation more immersive. But then, if what I’m craving is something more surprising and less familiar—if I just want to enjoy what a Fleshlight can uniquely offer, all it takes is some more creative or aggressive movement.
Second, because the Mini Lotus is more of a series of contours than an actual texture, it is the easiest to clean and quickest to dry of all the full-size Fleshlights that I’ve tried. With Fleshlights that have more dense and complex textures, you really have to get in there and do some work to make sure it gets thoroughly cleaned out when you’re done. While it’s still usually worth the effort for other Fleshlights, with the Mini Lotus it’s a very simple and quick rinse—there’s nothing for “stuff” to get caught up on. Likewise, the lack of impediment allows for better airflow and thus faster drying time.
If the even more mini Mini Lotus in the Lady Lager can deliver all of that in a more compact size, I’m going to be super sad (for all of you) that the Sex in a Can series was discontinued, and even more adamant that Fleshlight needs to make a Go Mini Lotus.
How it feels: full-size Fleshlight Mini Lotus vs. Sex in a Can Lady Lager Mini Lotus
Ultimately, this is what this review is all about for me—does the smaller Mini Lotus in the Lady Lager deliver an experience as luxurious and spoiling as the full-size Mini Lotus? Could it possibly deliver all that and then a little something extra in the way of tightness thanks to its more compact size? (Honestly, it’s this last one that has me super excited to give this a try.)
It’s tight alright…way too tight for me, and I’m super average. I actually had to stop using it. Not only was I not feeling pleasure, it was actually starting to become uncomfortable, even after applying what seemed like a quarter bottle of lube.
It wasn’t just the tightness, the minified-Mini Lotus texture itself was so compressed that it felt hard and rubbery. What normally feels oh-so pleasing and spoiling to push through in the full-sized Mini Lotus felt harsh and strangling in the down-sized Lady Lager version of the Mini Lotus. I’ve never felt so much relief to switch over to my hand.
Usually I have a lot to write about the sensation after multiple uses, but as I write this, my penis still feels a little bit in shock. I’m done with this one.
The only up-side: it was the first time I felt like I had a massive cock. I’m standing there throwing up my hands saying, “sorry…I guess I’m just too big”. In reality though, the full-size Fleshlights make me feel a little bit small-ish. You know which one is the perfect size? The Go Surge.
Other nitpicks: rattly cap and awkward grip
Also notable in comparing this product to any other Fleshlight product is that the end cap doesn’t have the same adjustable range as a regular Fleshlight. It’s either so tight that the suction makes it impossible to stroke with, or it is so loose that it causes a distracting rattling noise.
Then, there’s the ergonomics. This toy made me realize that one of the real benefits of the regular Fleshlight products, including the Flights, is how comfortable the tapered and narrowed grip feels in the hand. Trying to use this thing while holding the full width of a 24 oz. beer was awkward.
Conclusion: this sex toy is more toy than sex
I think I’ve figured out why the product has been discontinued. Unless you’re on the smaller and thinner side of the size spectrum, or unless you just really like it rough, the Sex in a Can is more of a gag gift—a true adult novelty item—not an instrument of pleasure.
If you, or someone in your life, is an absolute beer aficionado (and you’ve got the kind of friendship where something like this wouldn’t be awkward), by all means, it’s kinda cool. I seriously did enjoy the photos I did where I dropped this “pocket pussy” in among beer cans. But if what you are after is something that can facilitate a more gratifying and indulgent fap—perhaps in a more compact and discrete form factor, you need to look at something like the
Go Surge or, if you don’t have to have an anatomical resemblence, the Fleshlight Flight series.